It’s perfectly natural to try to fit in with each other, but it’s not natural to break down the person you love. Why you want to change your partner, is it wrong? We have concluded a post for you.
Is it always a bad sign for a relationship to want to change your partner?
Not always. Some people perceive the desire for change as personal abuse: “Either accept me for who I am, or it won’t work out”. But more often than not, people don’t want to hurt anyone. They just want to make the relationship more comfortable, including through changes in the partner.
Another question is what kind of transformation can we expect from the person? At the stage of getting used to each other, these can be everyday little things. They do not require much sacrifice: not leaving toothpaste open or not cutting your nails near food is easy enough. Problems begin when you want to change your partner’s outlook, his character. Especially if you appear in a sparkling white coat and take the position “Our relationship would be perfect if it weren’t for you”.
Why is there a desire to change a partner
You have taken off the rose-colored glasses
At the beginning of a relationship, feelings are exciting. The person you fall in love with seems perfect, perfect without flaws. Over time, the hormonal storm subsides a little and it becomes apparent that there are still flaws. In your longing for the old days, you decide to fix everything and polish your lover to perfection.
You decided from the beginning
There may have always been something about your partner that pissed you off. But you pretended everything was fine and waited patiently for the relationship to be strong. That’s when you think the person won’t go anywhere and will be as good as you want them to be.
Your partner has changed and you want it all back
They say that people don’t change, but that’s not true. A partner can become disconnected from old interests and become interested in something new, changed habits, rethink life, and make himself or herself completely different. And the new look is not necessarily to the liking of those around you. Whatever this change is about, you have fallen in love with another person and want to get it back.
You made your partner a scapegoat
The desire to change a loved one may be related to your dissatisfaction with your own life. We tend to blame our failures and unfulfilled desires on the government, the weather, circumstances, or the “wrong” qualities or actions of our partner. This allows our psyche to unload and not to face unpleasant feelings: anger, disappointment, helplessness, fear. By blaming the other person and expecting some kind of change from him or her, we thereby relieve ourselves of full responsibility for our own contribution to the situation and its further resolution.
A partner has shown his or her true face
The relationship has moved to a serious stage and the person is no longer trying to be nice to you. He may be manipulative, violent, threatening. Or simply prove to be completely unsuitable for you. But the memories of how good you were recently are still fresh. So you want to make things right with your love.
Going forward, if you encounter violence, you must leave. Negotiating with terrorists is pointless; evacuation is required.
What to do if the partner is not satisfied with everything
Work with your thoughts
There is no such thing as a perfect person. Both you and your partner have flaws. Moreover, sometimes the cons can be part of the qualities that you like.
For example, the husband appreciates her rationality, punctuality, wisdom, the ability to plan everything. And at the same time is not happy that she does not like to be spontaneous. But these are two sides of the same coin. The wife, on the contrary, appreciate the husband that he is sociable, fun, the soul of any company. In this case, strangely offended by the fact that a man spends a lot of time with friends. Think about it: if the partner loses not only the disadvantage but also the accompanying advantage, will you like it?
Sometimes after some reflection, it becomes clear that it is not a character trait or habit that angers you, but the possible risks or fears. For example, if a man was cheated on by his previous girlfriend, he may require the current one to cut off all contact with friends. This has nothing to do with the current partner being punished for the other person’s actions. It’s about the man and his fears, which need to be dealt with.
In general, try to solve the problem on your side first and accept your partner’s shortcomings. Especially if it’s actually not a bad thing at all, but just projections from your head.
We want to change the other person because that’s what we were taught from childhood: if you spoil me, I don’t love you; if you want my love, don’t spoil me; change. And we have changed. And now we want to change everyone around us in the same way. That is why we live under the illusion that someone will come and change for us. Convenient, isn’t it? But no, it is not going to happen. You can only change yourself.
If you can’t come to terms with something, talk about it. But in a normal, non-violent way, because you are not an enemy. Threats, manipulation, whining, and ultimatums are unlikely to make your partner enthusiastic.
For example, a girl doesn’t like that her boyfriend plays a lot of computer games. She thinks he’s not interested in her and wants to spend more time together. But her boyfriend is not a telepathic. If he hears, “I don’t like that you play so much! It’s either the computer or me!” – it will only confuse. Telling the boyfriend what she is going through has a much better chance of success. The partner can get into the problem and find a solution: play less or spend more time with the girl without sacrificing the hobby.
Look for someone more suitable
The idea of fully accepting a partner with all their faults is beautiful but exhausting. As well as the stamp that people are willing to change anything for the sake of love. What’s good for a romantic movie doesn’t always work in life. It is possible that you simply do not suit each other in some important parameters. If no one plans to change and the relationship is suffering, perhaps it should be ended.